Between the exhale and the inhale When the lungs hang (empty) (wanting) Between the breath that was And the breath that will be The future stands in question Until, slow and steady, The cycle repeats.
The past few years have been difficult. Empty nest, adult children trying to find their place in the world, the deaths of both my parents (however complicated our relationships may have been), a global pandemic, the distancing of friends. It feels, at times, as if everything decided to cascade down in a shower of Big Life Events. I’d like to thank both my husband and my therapist for unending patience.
Last night as I lay in bed the feelings of loss surfaced again, a refrain of questions circling in my mind, “Is this it? Is this all there is to life? Am I destined to live in this empty space forever?” Then I paused. I began to think of all the challenges I’ve been through over the span of my life. Of financial struggles, singleness, cycles of challenging roommates. (The one who walked around the apartment wrapped in only a sheet and left henna flakes all over the tub. The one who went to a conference and came home with a bird that flew around the kitchen and crapped on the counters while she prepared supper. The Holy Roller.) I thought of that time we packed up everything and moved half-way across the country. The early years of parenting, postpartum depression, juggling work and child raising, unexpected diagnoses. There have been so many times in my life that felt either too full or too empty, too much to handle. But I persevered. I handled. I coped.
Now, as I look back, those moments seem so brief, almost forgettable. I can barely recall how overwhelming they felt at the time, how much I struggled, how it seemed that life was destined to be day upon day of the same thoughts and feelings. In that moment I realized that five years down the road, ten years down the road, this moment too will be just a memory. New patterns will establish themselves, new people will enter my life, new experiences will come. Everything that feels so large, so weighty, will fade.
This is what it is to live. We breathe in, we breathe out. Inhale, exhale. Joy, sorrow, sorrow, joy. It all cycles through us and the best we can do is live where we are, holding each breath with tenderness as we hope for the next, and the next, and the next.